Preparing to Be Married

This last weekend, Andy and I decided that we should both go around Lubbock and price apartments so that we can 1) know which one we would potencially like to live in and 2) so we can get a good round about price so that we would be able to create a budget to know how much to save between now and then. The funny thing about this whole experience is that is so typically me. The fact that we are doing anything of the sort is only happening because of my personality. First of all, in my head, it is a step by step math problem. We have several variables that we need to solve for. Basically, for those who know what I'm talking about, it is a simple algebra problem with several unknowns in which we use the substitution method to solve for them. ANYWAY! We want to set the date so that we can book the chapel before 2010. We can't set the date until we know how long it will take for us to save up enough money. We don't know how much money to save up until we research all the prices, and we don't know the prices until we go and seek out all our different options. Now you see how algebra fits into this.

So we're driving around Lubbock and the first apartment complex we go to is the Summerset Apartments. They look nice. Nothing special. They actually kinda reminded me of storage units. But that's just the way Lubbock looks. haha...anyway, so we go inside to talk to the people, and Andy says nothing. The girl actually gave me a look like, "yeah I can tell you're one of those dominating woman types." I really wanted to put her in her place and let her know that there are times when he won't shut up! I really hoped that he would contribute to the discussions a little more later.

Then the next two were beautiful! And one was in our price range. It is called Oakridge and we would be paying $480 a month for it. Not too high, but also not too low. The three places that we ended up not going to were just awful. My favorite experience of those was one where we drove up and noticed that all the blinds in the windows were broken. I told Andy that I thought it looked shady, and he said, "I can't tell, let's go inside. Maybe it's not that bad." My instincts told me otherwise. I said, "Andy, all the blinds are broken, that either means it's gross inside or we don't want these people for neighbors. They might be scary."

Andy: "Oh they aren't scary."

Right then we drive by this man who is standing in front of the apartments by what I would guess was his car. He had scraggly long hair, wrinkly dirty clothes, and wore a scowel like he was going to eat me.

Me: "Andy! Look at that man! HE'S scary!"
Andy: "He's not scary...he just has one arm!!!"
I cracked up laughing. Of course Andy wouldn't notice that the man looked like we were his next meal. Andy just noticed that the man was missing his appendages! Maybe he ate them?

After we finished looking at all the apartments, we went back to Andy's apartment and made our budget. To my surprise, we are easily going to be able to save up enough to have money for our first three months of expenses. Surely I'll be able to get a job in that amount of time whether it be teaching or otherwise. So, now to set the date! Andy was wanting to get married in early June, but I'm trying to convince him to wait a few weeks. So far our compromise is June 11, but that isn't official and we still have to confirm it with the parentals. Oh I love that the ball is rolling!

Now presenting...the future Mrs. Sarah Blazier!!!!

If you haven't heard already, I am finally engaged. It seems like it took forever for the blessed event to come about, but nonetheless it is here and I am so excited. So let's start from the beginning of how it all started.

Andy and I have been dating since we were freshman in high school. We met on the 8th grade Washington D.C. trip in a Disney Store in the mall. After we met there, we discovered we were in band together and shared several classes in high school. The rest was history. He never asked me out, we just sort of happened! I guess you could say that it was kismet. We literally met and were best friends from that point on. Attached at the hip as my friends like to say.

Now, six years later, we are planning our engagement. We had discussed it a few times and occationally looked at rings online for the fun of it, but I had no idea what his plans were. He said soon, but in Andy's terms, that could still mean a year from now. I was definately getting restless and sick of calling him my boyfriend, which I was so completely set on the fact that he was NOT my boyfriend. But what do you call a guy who is not your fiance, but not your boyfriend?

Andy was the perfect gentleman. He asked my father if he could ask for my hand. His methods maybe a little unorthodox, but still he did it. It has been a joke between him and my father that Andy should bring my dad chicken since my dad loves chicken and Andy worked at Popeyes. Andy never did bring him chicken, so the joke was that in order to ask for my hand, he had to bring my dad a box of fried chicken! Andy turned up on my doorstep with a box of chicken and my ring in his pocket. My dad opens the door, looks down and says, "You aren't going to ask her to marry you are you?"

Andy responds, "Well actually," he flips the ring out of his pocket, "yes!" My parents were thrilled! They of course proceeded to call everyone and then took pictures. So sweet. I love him for doing that for me.

When he prepared to ask me, he texted Linley and Sophie for their help. Linley texted me at work and asked if I wanted to go to ACU to walk around. Since she is leaving for Uruguay for the fall semester, I really wanted to hang out with her. I asked if Katy could join us, but she said that she would prefer if it was just the two of us. Little did I know, she was trying to figure out a way to fit Katy into the plan. So we walked around ACU, and then we decided that Katy should eat dinner with us. So Katy was instructed to meet us by the tennis courts at ACU, and in the mean time, Linley and I would just walk around. We drove over in that direction and as we were driving I made the comment about how I didn't think Andy would ever propose. I truly could not understand how he could wait any longer whether or not we were going to wait to get married until after I graduated. He said that he felt the same way I did about proclaiming each other boyfriend and girlfriend, and yet he still waited! Linley later tells me that she was trying so hard not to laugh at this point. We walk over to the ACU amputheatre where I proceed to check the 5 texts messages from Andy saying "where are you?" "do you want to hang out?" "why aren't you answering me?" "Are you ignoring me?" and finally "I guess you're hanging out with Linley tonight." I decided to call him and appologize for not getting back to him while Linley kept watch out for Katy. Andy was talking to me saying it was ok and not to worry. Then I heard wind in the background. I asked him, "where are you? are you outside?"

He answers, "Yeah, I'm letting Joey (his dog) outside."

This made perfect sense to me because Joey doesn't like to go outside by himself.

Meanwhile, Linley calls back to me and yells, "she's here!" So we run down to the parking lot and meet Katy by her truck. While standing there, I look at the far end of the parking lot at a car and a girl who looks just like my friend and coworker Sophie. I ask, "is that Sophie?!"

Linley immediately answers, "who? oh, no, probably not."

Linley suggests we start walking over towards Jacob's Dream, the big statue behind the Bible Building of Jacob's ladder, to decide where we want to go eat. Once at Jacob's Dream, Katy and I sit down on the stone wall that lines the statue and Linley says to wait there while she goes to the bathroom. I ask if I can go with her, and she says no. I ask why not and she says "because it won't smell very good." This is actually, as Katy says, the best on the spot cover story ever because I loathe being in the same room as someone when they are pooping. So of course I was going to refuse to go with her. We sit there for maybe a minute, and she comes back and says, "oh, um...it was just gas." HAHA...so we start walking back to our cars to "seriously" decide what we're going to eat. Except this time we take the sidewalk that goes directly by the Bible building.

Once we reach a clearing that is almost completely surrounded by crapemertles and bushes, I feel a tap on my shoulder. I thought it was a tree branch so I look at my shoulder and I see a hand. I spin around on the spot and I see Andy standing there. I start studdering, "What are you doing here!?" and he drops to one knee and starts to propose. I heard what he said, but honestly I didn't process all of it.

Here's the gist of what I heard:

"We have spent about 6 years together and you are my best friend. I know that it can be hard to put up with me sometimes and the past few years have been tough being apart, but I know you are the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.....will you marry me?"

Of course I said yes. I was laughing the entire time. I couldn't help it. I was so excited and I didn't know what to do. I wanted to cry to badly because I was so happy, and I could feel it in the pit of my stomach, but it wouldn't come. I just kept laughing! We stood in our little tree fenced in area and kissed for a while. It was so funny cause he was ready to go walk off, but I had to pull him back and say calm down, let's enjoy this for a minute. The feeling was so surreal. It almost felt like we were pretending. Certainly this couldn't be real, but in fact it is. And I'm getting married!

We met back with my friends, Katy, Linley and Sophie (that was her by the car). Sophie had packed us a picnic dinner complete with picnic blanket, picnic basket and chocolate cheesecake. It was so wonderful and so romantic. I loved it. I am so thankful for all that my friends did to help Andy out, and even more thankful for Andy and all that he went through to make this experience special for me. I love him so much and I know that I am incredibly blessed to be with him. I can't wait to see what our life has in store for the two of us. Difficult though it may be at times, I know that this is going to be a fun ride and I can't wait to jump on. Let the wedding planning begin!!!!

Oh I forgot to mention when we want to get married. The preliminary date that we are looking at is May 28, 2011. That could change, but right now that's what we are looking at.

The amazing ladies who made this whole thing happen: Right to left Sophie, Katy and Linley

The In-law Trauma

So if it isn't obvious to everyone by now, Andy and I are getting married. Still yet to be official, but it's gonna happen so those of you who deny it, get over it. Just kidding. Anyway, one of the things that has been disturbing me the most lately is how much it seems that I was put into a family (the in-law family) that is completely wrong for me. Andy's parents drive me nuts. Andy's brother seems to despise the very ground that I walk on. And my could be sister-in-law (Nick's girlfriend) won't talk to me at all! So throughout this summer my question for God is, "WHY?"

I later realized that maybe my question was all wrong. Maybe God's plan was actually right. So then I decided to reword my question. This time I asked, "Give me the opportunity to get to know these people, especially Kaylee." I knew that if I were to ever truly be happy within the family, I would have to make a true effort to at least get to know her. I didn't have to like her, but I can't not like someone I don't know.

This past weekend Andy, Nick and Rich were working the Boy's Chrysallis. Kaylee just got back from her's a week earlier, so when candlelight came around, I figured I should invite her to come along. I thought we would be carpooling with Andy's mom, Liz, but she decided to bail on us in order to catch up on rest. This was the first time in I don't know how long that she had the house entirely to herself. Since she wasn't going, Kaylee and I decided to carpool together. Truthfully, I was super excited to ride with her. I knew this was the opportunity I was looking for. Just one on one, no Nick to distract her or insult me, and we were trapped in a car together. You're pretty much forced to talk.

To my surprise, however, Kaylee carried on a pretty long conversation with me. In the 40 minute drive together, there wasn't a time of silence at all. What's more, talking to her came so natural. I was having a good time! We talked about school, our career plans, church, our families, until finally, we ended up at our destination. The minute we got in the building and met up with Andy and Nick she was silent. Didn't say a word to me. I was thinking, "I knew it. I knew it was too good to be true." I couldn't understand why she would be all friendly in the car and then barely look at me when the guys were with us.

The candlelight ended and I told her that I would meet her back at the car so that Andy and I could have a minute alone. (I figured she wanted the same with Nick) What happened on the ride home, though, was truly a work of God. I, the most intellegent woman ever, got us lost. I missed one of the turns heading toward Abilene, and we somehow ended up in Anson. Luckily I knew how to get home from Anson, so it wasn't a big deal, just several miles extra. However, if we had not spent that extra time in the car, what happened I don't think would have happened. Kaylee and I bonded.

I decided to appologize to her. I told her that I was sorry I had never tried very hard to get to know her and that if she thought I didn't like her, it wasn't true. She told me that the feeling was mutual. She was sorry she never talked to me either, and she said that she never did talk because she was afraid that she would be taking up the time between me and Andy. I couldn't believe it. All this time I thought she was snubbing me, and in reality she was trying to be courteous! We continued to talk and the subject changed to our guys. Now, if you don't know the two brothers, then you wouldn't know that these guys are so different, you don't know how they possibly ended up in the same family. One is macho and quick witted, the other is sweet, sensitive and a bit awkward. Their differences are the main reason why the four of us don't hang out. One thing she mentioned was how Nick in fact likes me. I never would have guessed it. She said that she has asked him many times why he doesn't like me so much, and she said he would respond, "I do like her!"

Kaylee started telling me about how Nick yells at her when she's driving and he drives like a grandpa. I exclaim, "Andy too!" I tell her about how Andy freaks out at little things and gets panicky in certain situations. She exclaims, "Nick too!" We then begin to share stories back and forth about the two brothers and discover that they're exactly alike. One just isn't afraid to show emotion and the other bottles it in. Who knew?

What this tells me? I've discovered that I really enjoy being with Kaylee. She's fun to talk to and the two of us have a lot in common. But more than that, since we've discovered that Nick and Andy are so miraculously similar, I expect that when both of them mature into full grown men, they will be friends. Therefore, if the brothers get along, and I do enjoy Kaylee, family get togethers will not be the horror I thought they would be. And what's more, I would have never realized this if we had not gotten lost. Thank you God. My fears are gone.

All I need is love

Recently, I made the comment that I don't want my friends to have boyfriends and since I've made that comment, I keep hearing it brought up in a very hurt and angry tone. I think I've been misunderstood. So buckle up...you are about to travel deep into the inner squishy parts of Sarah's emotions. Past the hard exterior, you will find that there is a lot to discover.

Let me make it very clear that I want each and every one of you to be happy and find true meaningful relationships that last. I pray that all of my friends have wonderful experiences and eventually find that special someone to spend the rest of their lives with. However, there is a part of me that cringes at the thought of all of you having relationships. Those of you who are in relationships, I internally gag when you talk about your special someone. That's pretty harsh isn't it? I'm pretty selfish and hypocritical aren't I? I'll admit that is true. I don't want to feel this way.

I've discovered within the last year that I fear abandonment. I'm afraid that when you all get boyfriends that you won't want me anymore. I'm already seeing signs of it. Think about when Darden left us. How did I react? I'm terrified that when you find that special someone, you won't need me anymore and that I'll end up being like my mom. Alone, except for her endearing husband and children; driving them nuts, begging for attention. I don't get close to anyone anymore because I'm afraid that they too will leave me. If I get close to anyone, I have the opportunity to be hurt again. I'm even afraid that Andy will suddenly decide that he doesn't love me anymore and will decide that he can find someone better than me. And this prolonged engagement makes me even more antsey and sensitive.

I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to be left out. I don't want boys to come in the way of our relationships. Even my family is doing this to me. Sam is the highlight of my family and when I try to shove my way into the light, I get pushed out by my mother saying that we need to protect Sam, that he feels left out. And other members have found other things to keep themselves occupied. Why do you think I hate Nick's girlfriend Kaylee? Not because she's an idiot or rude. It's because she took my place in the Blazier house. I'm not needed there anymore except by Andy. They don't appreciate anything I do for them and never show that I'm special. That I'm an individual apart from Kaylee. I want to know that they love me because I am Sarah, Andy's girlfriend, the one who has been there for them for 6 years. I just want to be loved. I just want to be needed. I'm sorry that this comes with being selfish but this is a real struggle of mine. Please forgive me.

Home, Sweet Home

My house situation fell through. If God told me any louder to live at home, their would be a booming voice echoing from the sky that they entire world could hear. Every time I try to live somewhere else, it doesn't work. Last night I was running numbers to make sure I could afford my place. I thought I could. And turns out, I can...for the fall and spring semesters, but not this summer. I was going to have to take out $1000 in non-federal loans, which, if you've looked into them are basically a walking scam.

There are 5 different loans. 4 out of 5 loans have variable interest rates. If you know anything about loans and finance, then you know that that is a huge NO NO!!! So that cuts out those options. The last one had a fixed interest rate of 6% which is typical for student loans, but it had a 3% to 5% origination fee. Again, for those who don't know, that is where they take out a percentage of the amount you take out. So, if I took out $1000, I might only get $850 of it, but I would still have to pay $1000 and the interest on it. So that is completely unfair! I realized that I am trying way too hard to make this work and I would be getting myself into a mess if I tried any harder. As I told Andy, I think I knew this wouldn't work from the very beginning (I usually have a really good gut instinct), but I just didn't want to listen. So last night I had to call the two girls I would be living with and the landlords to inform them of my situation. That was so hard. I cried for about 15 minutes on the phone with Andy before I actually talked to anyone. I felt so guilty for letting people down.

God, however, knows how to make things work. There is already a potential girl who is looking into taking my place and now I will actually have money left over since I'm living with my parents. This isn't my ideal living situation, but if this is what God has planned for me, then I will most certainly oblige. What I learned from this is that my gut feelings that I have learned to ignore probably is God talking to me and that I should trust God entirely. This seemed like something that I could handle, but God can even handle the small things and expects you to lean entirely on Him. Thank you God.

Just an awkward moment...

Last night, I was strolling around campus, enjoying the warm evening. I decided to go and sit in the ampetheater, text and simply watch the people walk by. Not even 5 minutes after I sat down, a boy of maybe 20 carrying a guitar and a Bible came and sat down next to me. He started mumbling with a weird accent that I could not for the life of me understand. So I asked him his name which I will not disclose for the sake of his privacy. He then proceeded to mumble some gibberish that I could not decipher so I asked him about his guitar. How long has he played? His whole life, he responds. "Would you like to hear a song?" I agree to listen to a song, and then, I thought, I would politely leave and bit him goodnight. I praised him for the one song and he proceeds to play some more. Ugh...I can't escape.

He then asks if I want to worship with him. Oh good, I thought, he isn't here to molest me. So I agree to sing one song with him. I praise him on the beautiful music and he proceeds to mumble again. I didn't understand why he couldn't just talk louder! So I commented on how I had a paper to write and how beautiful the evening was. Then, he points up and says, "look at the star!" I say, "yes, it's very beautiful." He then asks if he can hold my hand. I thought he wanted to pray and we would be done worshiping. I agreed and bowed my head. Except, then he started talking (or in his case mumbling), and it wasn't a prayer. I don't know what he said, but I caught the words "girlfriend", "wife" and "alone."

The first thought that popped into my head was, "Oh my gosh, I just agreed to marry this guy and didn't know it! Now what?" So I said, "well, it was really nice to meet you, I really must be going now."
"No, wait. I'm sorry I made this awkward for you. It's just that I have a really hard time talking to people and getting out my feelings. I talk better when I hold someone's hand. I speak what's in my heart. Can I talk to you a little more?"

"I guess so."

"Can I hold your hand again?" I hold out my right hand, limply and just let him hold on to it while he strokes his fingers against mine. Ew!!! He proceeds to say,

"I don't know if you have boyfriend or not, and if you do it's okay. I was just wondering if you would be my girlfriend. I have really wanted a girlfriend for a long time now and I really really want a wife. I've already asked some other girls and they rejected me because most already have boyfriends, I was just hoping that you were the one."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I have a boyfriend...of 6 years." (Thank God for Andy.)

"Oh I see, it's just that I've been praying so hard, and I want someone to love so badly. I was just hoping you were the one."

So I give him the speech of "you don't have to have a girlfriend to be happy" and "God has a plan for you" and "if you search too hard you won't find what you are looking for. Only when you aren't trying will you bump into your treasure." and "Paul himself didn't have a wife, some people are meant to be single."

He then asked me to pray over him and we went our separate ways. However, right before I turned to leave, he asks, "So do you think I should ask anymore girls tonight or should I just chill?" I looked him in the eyes and said, "Just chill tonight, and know that whatever happens, happens for a reason."

This was such a scary, weird and extremely funny experience. I know that God put me there with that boy, at that time for a reason, but at the same time, I was so scared that I had agreed to marry someone and didn't know it. His accent was so strong, and culture differences could create some problems. And the funny part is that his dad was my Calculus 3 professor last semester. I'll never be able to look at that man the same way again and not think, "you could have been my father in-law."

Being an adult is actually difficult!

Did you know that growing up would be so difficult? How could I be so naive to think that I knew how to do everything? It's a big slap in the face when you realize that you in fact know absolutely nothing. I'm trying to get my living situation squared away for this summer and the upcoming year, and I didn't realize how much I would have to do. This sounds so obvious, but I didn't realize that I would have to sign up for all the different utilities, decide which energy company to use, decide what internet company and plan to use. On top of all that, deciding how many loans I need to take out and for how much.

There is so much figuring, it's driving me nuts. The only good thing out of this is that I'm finding out how difficult this all is before I get married. I would hate to be doing all this while trying to graduate and plan a wedding. This way, I know what to expect. I feel like God has given me this experience for a reason and I know that I am going to learn so much from it, but right now, it makes me sick to think how much money I'll be spending and wondering if this is all worth it. This is worth it, right?

I'm pretty sure this is worth it and I am really excited to finally have a house, a place to call my own. The only thing that I'm really scared about besides the money is my roommates. I don't know them very well, and so far when I try to get them to meet me so we can go over logistics, they don't respond which makes me really nervous. I have a feeling that I am going to be "just living" in the house with them. They aren't going to be people I talk to often or hang out with. They will just happen to live in the same house as me. Pray for me, this is a big jump for me.