All I need is love

Recently, I made the comment that I don't want my friends to have boyfriends and since I've made that comment, I keep hearing it brought up in a very hurt and angry tone. I think I've been misunderstood. So buckle up...you are about to travel deep into the inner squishy parts of Sarah's emotions. Past the hard exterior, you will find that there is a lot to discover.

Let me make it very clear that I want each and every one of you to be happy and find true meaningful relationships that last. I pray that all of my friends have wonderful experiences and eventually find that special someone to spend the rest of their lives with. However, there is a part of me that cringes at the thought of all of you having relationships. Those of you who are in relationships, I internally gag when you talk about your special someone. That's pretty harsh isn't it? I'm pretty selfish and hypocritical aren't I? I'll admit that is true. I don't want to feel this way.

I've discovered within the last year that I fear abandonment. I'm afraid that when you all get boyfriends that you won't want me anymore. I'm already seeing signs of it. Think about when Darden left us. How did I react? I'm terrified that when you find that special someone, you won't need me anymore and that I'll end up being like my mom. Alone, except for her endearing husband and children; driving them nuts, begging for attention. I don't get close to anyone anymore because I'm afraid that they too will leave me. If I get close to anyone, I have the opportunity to be hurt again. I'm even afraid that Andy will suddenly decide that he doesn't love me anymore and will decide that he can find someone better than me. And this prolonged engagement makes me even more antsey and sensitive.

I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to be left out. I don't want boys to come in the way of our relationships. Even my family is doing this to me. Sam is the highlight of my family and when I try to shove my way into the light, I get pushed out by my mother saying that we need to protect Sam, that he feels left out. And other members have found other things to keep themselves occupied. Why do you think I hate Nick's girlfriend Kaylee? Not because she's an idiot or rude. It's because she took my place in the Blazier house. I'm not needed there anymore except by Andy. They don't appreciate anything I do for them and never show that I'm special. That I'm an individual apart from Kaylee. I want to know that they love me because I am Sarah, Andy's girlfriend, the one who has been there for them for 6 years. I just want to be loved. I just want to be needed. I'm sorry that this comes with being selfish but this is a real struggle of mine. Please forgive me.