If God Owned a Bullhorn...

Okay, here's a question for you. Have you ever had the feeling that God is telling you that you have a purpose and you are meant to be somewhere, but He is telling you ahead of time? Like you know that you are supposed to leave, to go somewhere else, but when you start to make plans, it just all feels wrong, even though in the end you know that is where you need to be? I discovered myself having these feelings the past few weeks. It started when I went to Lubbock with Linley. The very feeling of being in Lubbock just made me feel happy, content, and purposeful. I let out a deep sigh one day as I was driving to Tech to meet Andy. I was content, I was happy. The very thought of returning to Abilene gave me a horrible, sickening feeling.

The day that I had to return to Abilene, I was sad, but determined not to cry on my way home. I didn't want to leave...home; I didn't want to leave my home. When I returned to Abilene, I sank into a deep depression. Worse than I have ever been in throughout my entire life. For about three nights straight, I cried myself to sleep. One night, I was walking around my dorm hardly able to hold the tears in. I think I scared my roommate. I actually shut myself in my closet.

So I started praying about it, telling God that I was sad and so forth. He was silent the entire time. I began to get angry because I felt like God wanted something from me, but He wouldn't verify what that was. From what I was sensing, I needed to be in Lubbock. My time here in Abilene is done and I need to get out of here and go where I am needed. How could I prove to myself, though, that this wasn't just a longing to be with Andy? The difference was, that this was stronger than it has ever been before and I have never wanted to leave Abilene as badly as I did then. I decided that God now wanted me in Lubbock and ACU was not where I need to be. So I started looking up library jobs in Lubbock (there were three positions open I might add), and started thinking about transferring and what all that would entail. Once I started doing that, I had a flash in my head about all the people in Abilene that I think need me. I had yet another sickening feeling about leaving Abilene! Good grief God make up your mind, where do you want me? I realized, that my time here is not at an end. I have never had this happen but once, and that was whether or not I was supposed to marry Andy. Of course that was supposed to be in the future. But where I'm supposed to live? And without me asking? I truly believe that God was trying to tell me that I have a purpose in Lubbock, but not just yet, that I'm still going to have to wait a little while longer.